Facing perfectionism is common among many people, but this can be even more prevalent among trauma survivors. Perfection gives a feeling of control and safety, which are two emotional foundations that many sexual trauma survivors feel have been taken away from them. This desire to perfect can arise in our own healing journeys, as we create yet another journey to “get right” and move on.
We might face frustration and confusion on our healing journeys through a perfectionistic lens because there is no perfect way to heal. This can lead to self blame, wondering why certain avenues don’t support us, when we often feel best supported by a unique blend of modalities.
This post will explore letting go of perfectionism with gentle somatic guidance that shifts our focus from control to curiosity and from perfecting to presence.
Perfectionism manifests in our trauma healing journeys as an attempt to regain safety, not because we’re flawed.
I invite you to view ways you may have changed your thinking after trauma as a smart, protective way your body has wanted to ensure your safety, and less of a symptom to correct. Our bodies are highly intelligent and will do what it feels is necessary to feel safe and supported.
Perfectionism is one way the desire for safety manifests because it creates predictability. After trauma, we might try to control many aspects around us and make sure everything we do (and maybe even how we act) is done “correctly.” This may allow us to feel safe in the moment, but over time can lead us into overthinking and living more in our heads rather than our bodies.
This also sends a very subtle message to our past selves that if only we were acting perfectly when our traumas occurred, it could have been avoided. This might be part of a deep-rooted belief that the trauma was our fault – and this is especially prevalent with sexual trauma.
Survivors of this type of trauma deserve to know that their trauma was not their fault. I understand how this can be difficult to embody when we live in a culture that has its own level of denial regarding this type of trauma, but no one asks for this to happen, survivors don’t deserve it, and there is nothing they did or didn’t do that puts them at fault. To navigate thought patterns related to trauma, I welcome you to explore these support options that include psychologist locaters and crisis support lines.
We might consciously know the trauma wasn’t our fault, and yet we may still find ourselves triple checking our work, procrastinating because of fear of flaws, or hiding until we can put on the perfect face for those around us.
This disconnects us from our true selves, and I welcome you to explore this blog post to explore how you can rediscover your authentic self after sexual trauma with somatic guidance.
To explore letting go of perfectionism, we can embrace uncertainty through trust, intuition, and connecting with our deepest selves.
Perfectionism is an act of becoming someone else. We are creating an ideal person or work ethic so that others can accept us and create predictable outcomes. We may also have felt that the only way we received attention or love as a child was through accomplishing or achieving, possibly furthering this belief.
While we may feel a sense of safety with this mask, we may also feel an emptiness building within us. Dr. Brené Brown describes why this happens, and in her words, “The opposite of belonging is fitting in.”
We ask who we have to become to be accepted and ultimately feel safe. But to truly belong to ourselves (and then others) we have to release perfectionism and return to our true, messy, beautiful selves.
We can learn how to release perfectionism when we embody how freeing it feels to live imperfectly.
Through a somatic lens, we can do this through less gripping and more releasing. Through less analyzing and more intuition. Less adjusting and more self trust.
I welcome you to explore the somatic exercise below. This includes body maps and journaling, so I welcome you to gather a pen and paper if you choose to include this. You don’t need to have a special body map to do this. You can simply draw a stick figure and begin here.
Somatic Exercise for Perfectionism:
To begin, I invite you to start in a comfortable seat of your choosing. You could add any pillows or blankets to settle into your space. You might take a moment of grounding, maybe by noticing the points of contact you have with the ground, allowing gravity to soften areas of tension. With your eyes open or closed, I invite you to explore the exercise below:
I invite you to think of a time (this could be as a child for many of us) when you were having fun and maybe even being silly with your close friends or siblings, not thinking of anything except pure joy and play. If you can think of a time like this (or a person who you feel safe enough with to feel this way in the present), how does this feel in your body?
When you allow yourself to be truly you, not worrying about what you look like or how you’re being perceived, but truly connecting with others, how does this manifest in your entire being? I welcome you to take a moment to visualize this with your eyes open or closed, taking in this feeling. What comes up for you as you remember this moment? Are there feelings of safety? If so, where in your body do you feel this?
You could draw this out on a body map using colors and shapes to explore the different sensations. From here, I welcome you to journal about your experience in this exercise. There is no wrong or right thing to notice or journal about. You could list bullet points or write long paragraphs.
Then, if you feel comfortable, I welcome you to shift your focus to a time when you felt you needed to put on a mask for others. For most of us, this is usually professional work settings or around people we secretly wish to please (or wish to avoid making upset.) You can also do this with your eyes open or closed, beginning to place yourself in this space, knowing you can end this exercise any time you choose.
As you place your awareness here, what arises in your body? Do any areas tighten? Has your breathing changed? Do you feel an overall “shift” in your body and energy? You can do a separate body map for this if you like, then another journal entry.
From here, I welcome you to explore gentle grounding like we did at the beginning of the exercise to shift out of this practice. If you feel a bit heavy from identifying when you have a mask on, you might revisit when you feel more free. Take all the time you need to come back to a centered, grounded place.
When you feel comfortable, you might look at your different answers. Was there a difference in your sensations? What was the overall mood or feeling? Happy? Sad? Neutral? There is no right or wrong way to do this, and we’re not looking for a “correct” answer. How you feel is entirely normal and unique to you.
I welcome you to return to this exercise as much as you like, and overtime this will support you to recognize when perfectionism is arising because you’ll notice these feelings in your body. You’ll also notice when you’re around the right group and feel like your true self because the feeling you’ve identified will surface.
You may have noticed that when we’re around those who make us feel safe and comfortable, we let our rigid, protective guards down (maybe even if it’s just a little.) We lessen our grip on doing things “right” because we’re following what feels right, intuitively. We live less in our heads and experience the moment, as it is, without labels as perfect or imperfect.
And yet, strangely, when we’re in this state of true belonging and safety, we tend to label these times as good, or even perfect days. This act of letting go and being with ourselves and others is profound for healing because healing is about embodying joy, life, belonging, and safety.
How to bring this view of imperfection into healing
When we understand that perfection is a way of gripping, holding, and controlling, we can view imperfection as surrender and release.
And to release is to heal. When we release our hold on control, emotions, and how we’re perceived, we will naturally uncover the path to healing and rediscovering the avenues that best support us. Imperfection is messy, but that’s okay because as humans, our emotions are messy. There are no bounds and no containment of emotions. They are a true release and this rarely comes in perfect lines or in a neat, organized fashion.
This also gives ourselves natural grace. Survivors may explore a variety of healing avenues, and often even different people within those avenues. It may take time to identify if body based movements are supportive for healing, and then time to discover who truly resonates with you. Through a perfectionist lens, we might rush the process or blame ourselves if we’re not noticing any shifts.
But through imperfection, we learn that trial and error takes time, and that as long as we listen to our inner wisdom, we will get to where we need to go. We also learn how to give ourselves compassion, knowing that it’s okay to not have all the answers or make mistakes.
Our progress may not happen as soon as we want or look how we think it will, but a journey guided by our self trust and intuition is much more rewarding than completing a structured healing course or self-help book and perfecting every exercise, but somehow still feeling like something is missing. We may be perfecting, but we’re not embodying or allowing the full experience.
Imperfection is what allows us to focus on what resonates, instead of focusing on techniques, poses, or techniques that didn’t work for us. There is nothing wrong with healing courses or self-help books, but we can explore gently shifting our focus on allowing for more imperfection within these resources.
The beauty of being human is that we’re so uniquely different, and with this comes the fact that we will all have a unique journey. There is no perfect path – and that’s okay.
Trusting the nonlinear process of healing is to embrace imperfection
Healing in nonlinear, meaning that we may feel we take three steps forward, two steps back, then have a great six months only to feel frustrated and confused then next month. Healing is one of the most imperfect journeys we can go on, but this reminds us that not knowing isn’t a flaw within us – it allows us to be with what is, and presence is how we live authentically in the moment and less within our minds.
I invite you to explore the somatic exercise in this post to slowly introduce yourself to recognize within your body when you’re releasing and when you’re perfecting. This provides the gentle reminder that release provides a more natural, authentic embodiment of safety while perfecting leads to “fitting in” and a more controlling, temporary feeling of safety.
I invite you to take all the time you need as you explore this, and I understand how we can’t be our totally wild and free selves in certain situations. I believe we can still have a healthy dose of being proud of our work and striving for accomplishment, but we may need to take a moment of self-reflection if we feel we’re losing ourselves in the process. This is more about uncovering the layers that you know within yourself are hiding, and being willing to allow those to unfurl with the right people and at the right time.
Overview
Perfectionism is difficult to overcome, and we’ll all find ourselves slipping into this territory occasionally. Perfecting and accomplishing often comes with applause and recognition, while being authentic may bring judgement or uncertainty from others.
It may seem like striving for perfection is the more logical choice to a happier life, but living in true authenticity and belonging is where we’ll discover the most embodied, natural feeling of safety that simply can’t be matched by doing things perfectly. And from a genuine sense of safety, we find that release comes with less force, and joy lends itself to us with more ease.
Exploring release through an imperfect lens
I welcome you to explore this sense of imperfection inside my free, private library, the Cozy Corner. This trauma-informed yoga and somatic healing library offers gentle classes to soften tension, foster self-compassion, and allows you to soften into your true self after sexual trauma. I welcome you to join me inside the library below and explore these gentle classes with an imperfect lens and a soft heart.
